Advent (Day 15)

We have turned a corner. Can you feel it?

The word for this third week of Advent is Rejoice. It is a word associated most closely with Mary.

Here is a prayer for this, the third Sunday of Advent.

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“Pour your grace into our hearts, O Lord, that we who have known the incarnation of your Son Jesus Christ, announced by an angel to the Virgin Mary, may by his cross and passion be brought to the glory of his resurrection; who lives and reigns with you, in the unity of the Holy Spirit, one God, now and forever. Amen.

– from The Book of Common Prayer

Advent (Day 8)

The word for this second week of Advent is … prepare.

Let the master of the house wash your feet and hands. Let him wrap you in fine clothes.

He has invited us to feast.

 

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A prayer for the second Sunday of Advent:

 

Most merciful Lord, your love compels us to come in.
Our hands were unclean, our hearts were unprepared;
we were not fit even to eat the crumbs from under your table.
But you, Lord, are the God of our salvation,
and share your bread with sinners.
So cleanse and feed us with the precious body and blood of your Son,
that he may live in us and we in him;
and that we, with the whole company of Christ,
may sit and eat in your kingdom.

Amen.

 (a traditional Anglican prayer)

 

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Advent (Day 1)

A prayer for this first Sunday of Advent.

Because we have arrived at a beginning, and we stand before an open door.

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“Lord, help me now to unclutter my life, to organize myself in the direction of simplicity. Lord, teach me to listen to my heart; teach me to welcome change, instead of fearing it. Lord, I give you these stirrings inside me. I give you my discontent. I give you my restlessness. I give you my doubt. I give you my despair. I give you all the longings I hold inside. Help me to listen to these signs of change, of growth; help me to listen seriously and follow where they lead through the breathtaking empty space of an open door.”

– from Common Prayer: A Liturgy for Ordinary Radicals

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The First Gift Was Desire

If this room were hanging on the wall of a museum, like a painting, I would call it “After the Celebration.”

The fabric birthday banner is draped over a dining room chair (having fallen, gracefully, from the top of the china cabinet). A pile of gift bags, in shades of pink and purple, is stacked on the floor waiting for a return trip to the third-floor closet. I think there may still be a few candles, slick with the crumbs of a cinnamon-apple cake, hiding beneath the birthday cards lined up across the tabletop.

I am not yet ready to sweep away the remains of this past year or the party with which we ended it. I am following the trail of these crumbs trying to piece together the story of my baby girl’s first year.

 

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I suppose it is more my story than hers. One day she will look at photos from this day and feel utterly disconnected from the beautiful baby in the pink dress. If I can discover the story, the meaning that lurks in a messy pile of remembered odds and ends, I can pass it on to her.

A better gift, I think, than any doll or keepsake book or slice of cake.

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I don’t have what it takes (and what does it take? Time? Skill? Dedication?) to pray long or complicated prayers for my children. Instead, I ask for a verse, I write it on an index card, and I pray it just whenever I find myself sitting at my desk.

All year my prayer for this child (my second daughter, my last of four babies) has been less of a prayer and more of a long exhalation of gratitude. I have prayed this: “A longing fulfilled is sweet to the soul” (Proverbs 13:19a).

However, this story doesn’t begin with longing. It begins with my determination not to ask or desire. It begins with a hole in my heart where longing should have been.

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After the birth of our third, I gave away the baby things. I packed clothes in boxes and mailed them off. I left books at the used-book store. I sold the pricy breast pump on consignment.

This made perfect sense. Having finally earned my PhD, I was embarking on a career that left little space for more babies. I would soon round the corner of my late 30s. But beneath the reasonableness was something much darker: fear.

I had three children, but I had never conceived without doctor visits, invasive tests, medications. Even the surprise of my third pregnancy arrived only after months of tearful prayers.

I had always assumed we’d have another daughter. I sometimes remembered the tiny pink things I had packed away years before, but when I tried to imagine praying for another baby, waiting for another baby, I couldn’t.

Whatever store of desire had fueled my prayers for three children I had used it all up. I was empty, so I gave away every last object that might say hope.

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Here, then, is the beginning of the story.

It is the quiet, twilit hour of bedtime. I am sitting at the end of my daughter’s turquoise bedspread. Her face is lost in shadow, but I can hear her voice clearly: “I want a sister.”

I have heard these same words before. I have heard them many times. I think it is exasperation that prompts my reply, but I wonder now if it was my own desperation?

I tell her, “I can’t give you a sister. Only Jesus gives babies. If you want a sister, you have to ask him.”

You might think this memory became meaningful only in hindsight. But that is not the truth. I knew something had happened as soon as the words left my mouth. It felt as if a boulder had shifted. Where there had been nothing within me but irritation there was something new.

Was it desire? Was it hope? I’m not sure I can name it, but it felt like this: pain.

My daughter prayed, and here is where hindsight does color this memory. Looking back, I really cannot say whether it was her prayer being offered or my own.

 

Elsa Spring is One!

“I prayed for this child, and the Lord has granted me what I asked of him.”
I Samuel 1:27

 

*first photo by Kelli Campbell, second photo by Christie Purifoy

This is Rubber Meeting Road

Two years ago, I wrote a few words for my son. They added up to something that wasn’t quite a story. I think they were a prayer. Also, a confession.

I meant them for all of my children, but it was this boy who drew them out of me.

The love we have for others – but especially for the weaker ones, like our children – is often laced with fear. That is our lot in this world: to love and to know that loving makes us vulnerable. Vulnerable to loss. To pain. To worry.

Some of our loves are laced with more fear than others. My love for this boy is like that.

However, in loving him, I have seen something strange but beautiful, something hard but good: the worst moments are the ones that wash my love clean of all the fear.

Somehow it takes having our worst fears realized, to know that our worst fears are not worth fearing. Because, ultimately, we are safe. We are loved. We are held.

Recently, my son began a new school year at a new school. He was nervous. I was nervous for him. Despite my prayers, despite my hopes, his first day went about as badly as a first day could go. Possibly, it was even worse than that. At the end of this terrible, no-good, very bad day, I remembered what I had shared two years ago. And I knew this: our worst days may be the answers to our best prayers.

 (the following is edited from the archives and was originally titled The Only Thing I Pray My Children Grow Up to Know)

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The second-born, my oldest boy, starts kindergarten in just a few weeks.  Not only that, but he will ride the bus (which is, possibly, a bigger deal for both of us even than kindergarten itself).

I’ve been a mother long enough to know that the days are long but the years are short.  These summer days drag (how to fill the time between dinner and bed?), but I will wake up tomorrow and watch my son graduate from high school.  I know this, and it has prompted me to wonder: what do I want this boy to grow up to do?  To know?  To be?

Like most parents in these enlightened days, I say, “I only want him to be happy.  Whatever makes him happy.  If that means becoming a doctor, great.  If it’s an auto mechanic, fine by me.”  Unlike most parents, I suspect, I really do mean it.

I’ve spent enough time around highly-educated Ivy-leaguers to know that the things which spell success in our culture (straight A’s!  a University of Chicago degree!) are not necessarily markers of either success or happiness.

Not only that, but I know that there is some kind of Murphy’s law of parenting: whatever I plan for my child, the opposite will happen.  My father gave me only this bit of advice as I prepared for college: “Study anything you want, but be practical.  Don’t major in English or History.”  I was never a rebellious child, but Murphy’s law kicked in and, by the end of college, I was graduating with a double major in English and History.

What then do I want for my boy?  For his big sister?  His little brother?

Only this: to know deep down in their heart of hearts God loves them.  Truly, that is all.

Unfortunately, there is such a big chasm between head knowledge and heart knowledge, between assenting to an idea or concept and feeling the truth of it deep inside.  I tell them over and over: you are loved.  By me.  By others.  But, most importantly, you are loved by the Love who created everything beautiful and that Love is vaster and more intimate than you may ever know.

I heard that too as a child.  I sang these words in so many Sunday school classes: “Jesus loves me, this I know.”  But I didn’t know.  I nodded my head and agreed, but I didn’t really know.

Praying that my children know God’s love is sometimes difficult.  It is as if I am praying that they suffer.  Maybe I’m wrong.  Maybe there is some other way in which this knowledge can travel from head to heart, but the enormity of God’s personal love was only revealed to me in some very dark places.

Looked at another way, I am not praying they suffer.  I am praying they be comforted.

And this is what I want for my babies?  Yes, this is what I want for them: that, like Hagar, they will one day say, “I have now seen the One who sees me.”

This is my prayer:

“I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge – that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God”  (Ephesians 3:17-19).

I’m afraid that it will hurt, but I promise you: it is worth every tear.

“My ears had heard of you but now my eyes have seen you.” (Job 42: 5)

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