The Season of Singing Has Come

Spring has finally come to Maplehurst, and we are living in a watercolor world. Trees are smudged with the almost-neon green of new buds. The ground is blurred by the purple and white of wild violets. Move your head too quickly, and the brilliant yellow of the dandelions might just look like a lightning strike.

For several days, I have noticed a spot of garish orangey-red near the laundry room steps. I assumed it was a child’s toy. Something awful and plastic. Today, I realized it was a patch of tulips striped orange and yellow. They have large, black polka-dots in their middles. They are the tackiest flowers I have ever seen, more like circus clowns than plants. These tulips, bursting out near the propane tank, prove spring does, in fact, have a sense of humor.

IMG_5636_2

I was twenty-one before I witnessed a real spring, the kind that only comes after a long, cold winter. We were living near Washington D.C.. I had never seen redbuds and forsythia, cherry blossoms and tulips. And the dogwoods. Oh, the dogwoods.

I’d been raised by a farmer-turned-gardener, but I’d never paid much attention to plants. That first spring, something woke up in my twenty-one-year-old soul, and I’ve been paying attention to plants ever since.

On a walk to see the cherry blossoms near the Jefferson Memorial that spring, I noticed a spectacular flowering tree. It looked as if a hundred thousand delicate, pink-winged birds had come to rest on its branches. I took a closer look at the flowers, and I knew they resembled magnolia blooms.

I may not have paid much attention to Texas flora beyond the justifiably famous bluebonnets, but I, like any southern girl, knew that magnolias never lost their dark, glossy green leaves. I also knew that magnolia blooms are pure white, as big (or bigger) than a baby’s head, and they merely dot the tree, like ornaments placed just so.

In other words, this brilliant pink explosion of a tree could not be a magnolia.

IMG_5634_1

But it was. That year, that first spring, I learned the difference between the south’s evergreen magnolias and the deciduous varieties grown farther north. I learned the difference, and I chased it.

After two years in Virginia, it was time to choose a graduate school. I took one look at the blooming pink magnolias lined up against the gothic grey of quadrangle walls and knew I’d be moving to Chicago.

After Chicago, I lived for two years in a Florida house with an evergreen magnolia centered proudly in the front yard. It was lovely, yes, but it reminded me that I was living in an eddy. My life had turned backwards and sideways. For two years, I had no spring.

IMG_5624_2

Nine months ago, we moved to Pennsylvania, to this Victorian farmhouse called Maplehurst. I knew the old tree planted north of our front porch (a tree that must be as old as the house itself) was a magnolia. A deciduous magnolia. The largest I have ever seen.

And I’ve been waiting.

Waiting for God to keep his promises, waiting for life to get a little easier, waiting for spring – spring like we haven’t seen for three years – to come.

This was waiting as it is meant to be. Waiting with hope. Waiting with full expectation. This, not because I’ve finally mastered the spiritual discipline of waiting, but only because I have lived through a few winters, and I have seen them all end.

I have been waiting with eyes wide open because I could see the tree always outside my window. I knew what it had in store for me because I’ve seen it before.

But never this big.

Never this beautiful.

Never this good.

IMG_5664_2

“Flowers appear on the earth; the season of singing has come.”

Song of Songs 2: 12

IMG_5654_1

Today is the Day for a Miracle

Today is the day for a miracle …

 

Today the calendar says spring, but when has the calendar ever told us anything true?

 

frozen nest 52/3 grey

 

As I write, darkness has dropped, the wind is howling, and the hanging porch lights are twisting like terrified animals on their chains.

The sound of this wild March wind does not make me feel cozy. It sounds too much like someone in pain.

 

Today is the day for a miracle …

 

I keep telling myself spring is already here. I’ve known for days that it was time to plant. Peas, lettuce, radishes, beets, spinach, swiss chard … so much needs to be in the ground.

But who has faith for gardening in the midst of snow flurries and sleet?

 

DSC_6587_1mdy

 

Today is the day for a miracle …

 

The apple trees we ordered months ago have arrived. They look like apple sticks. The children do not believe me when I tell them we’ll bake pies. I’m not sure I believe myself.

But I’ve seen more winters than my children, and I do know this: the day when daffodils emerge is not the day for hope. The day when seedlings show the bright green of new life is not the day for faith. That day came and went.

This is the day for a miracle. This day. The dark day. The cold day. The day when all you can see is mud and broken things, like so many toys strewn across the backyard.

Easter Sunday is not the day for miracles. It is the day for praise.

Every miracle we ever needed, every miracle we ever wanted begins on Good Friday.

 

breaking sunshine

 

 “See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?”

Isaiah 43:19

 

 

*Today I am listening to this song by Hans Kraenzlin

This is How to Listen, This is How to Hear

There were years when a little flag would start waving in my head any time I heard someone say God told me to do this or God told me to do that.

A red flag.

It sounded too much like crazy-talk. I’d never heard God’s voice, so what makes you sure? What makes you special?

//

44/52 muted tones

//

Now I am that crazy person.

I’m the one setting eyes to roll with my casual God told us this and God gave us a dream, and, the boldest of all, God promised …

That’s the big one, isn’t it? Talk of promises is crazy and dangerous all at once. To talk about promises is to set oneself up as special and risk looking like a fool.

I am that fool.

//

This is how I got here: desperation. It was the not having, the hurting, the longing, and the pain.

It was that one time I threw my Bible against the wall. I could see the pages bent and the cover smashed, but I could also see words that were so comforting, so particular, I was tempted to make Bible-throwing a regular spiritual discipline.

It was that time I screamed at heaven, until I turned the corner around the clump of trees and saw an optical-illusion moon so enormous and fiery I couldn’t tell what it was. But I heard it. It said, “I’m here. You’ve been heard.”

Sometimes, it wasn’t pain so much as utter emptiness. When there are no friends and no activities, when the phone never rings and you’ve given up the job you pursued for ten years, small things begin to sound very loud.

Like the verse that pastor shared from the front. I was one of a crowd, but those words were an arrow and I was the mark.

Like the song that came over the speakers just as I asked my question aloud. That song with the answer.

Or, all those times (so many times) when all I could do was open my Bible on my lap.

And that’s all it took. Because there it was. Right there.

//

I’m wary of prescriptions, of three-step plans. But if you want to hear the voice of God (and think very, very carefully whether or not you do), then this is what I suggest:

Lean in to the pain. 

Listen to the silence.

Let the emptiness be just what it is.

And wait.

 

 

44/52 muted tones

Advent 2012 (Second Friday)

DSC_7467_1bw

 

“When God seems silent and our prayers go unanswered, the overwhelming temptation is to leave the story – to walk out of the desert and attempt to create a normal life. But when we persist in a spiritual vacuum, when we hang in there during ambiguity, we get to know God.”

– Paul E. Miller, A Praying Life

 

Explore the growing collection of Advent imagery here.

Click here to subscribe to There is a River and here to connect with There is a River on facebook.

Advent 2012 (Second Thursday)

st. lucia

 

(This post was originally published last year.)

 

It is St. Lucia’s Day, the day the poet John Donne called “the year’s midnight.” It is a short, dark day even here in Florida, thanks to a windy, rainy nor’easter.

The firstborn and I are determined to mark the day as they would in Sweden. Whether this is because of our drop of shared Swedish blood, or because we are firstborn girls, I’m not sure. But, we do it.

We make a crown: soft wool felt for the evergreen leaves, battery-powered candles for the light. She lays out a white nightgown and red ribbon sash while I set her alarm clock. She’s never used an alarm clock, and I must show her three times how to turn it off. She practices her lines for me one more time: “St. Lucia invites you to breakfast!”

We forego the traditional saffron buns, but the gingerbread cookie replacements are prepped and waiting on a tray.

“Goodnight, Lucy/Lily,” I say, as I shut her bedroom door on the eve of Lucy’s day.

Tiptoeing through the dark hallway, straining my eyes to avoid the Lego casualties scattered across the tile, I remember how dark my days were before this girl. Those days of praying and waiting and living without.

I remember, too, how bright the full moon was that winter night when I first knew that she was on her way. Nine years ago it was a bright light of answered prayer, of hopes fulfilled.

It is winter again. I know now that when the days are short and the nights are long, the only right way to see ahead is to look back.

So, I look back and remember: “… weeping may remain for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning” Psalm 30:5.

 

st. lucia

 

Explore the growing collection of Advent imagery here.

Click here to subscribe to There is a River and here to connect with There is a River on facebook.

 

Advent 2012 (First Thursday)

fire and snowflake

We are still waiting for snow.

We’ve seen flurries now and again, but the inches we’ve been promised have yet to materialize.

This sixty-degree day is mocking my hope. It’s hard to believe in snow when the sun is this warm. I’ve decided it will be easier if I stop thinking about it. If I stop hoping.

If snow will come when snow will come then what is the point of anticipation? What is the point of hopeful watching? If the end result will be the same (because snow will come when snow will come), then why not pass the time thinking of other things? Why not try to forget that I have new sleds hidden in the basement?

And yet, because this waiting for snow corresponds with Advent, I can’t quite accept that waiting is pointless. I wonder if our waiting does something. Could the end be different not simply because time has passed but because we have waited and watched with heavy, hopeful hearts?

It hurts to wait. Especially when we do not know how long our wait will last. When we have no idea when the end will come.

How long, Lord, how long?

And, of course, I’m writing about more than snow. I’m writing about snow, and spring, and babies, and degrees, and jobs, and weddings, and healing, and hope and peace and love.

How long, Lord, how long?

Waiting is like wind. It appears to be just nothing, but it can do so much. I don’t mean that it teaches us some lesson, though, I suppose that is sometimes true. I mean, rather, that the waiting itself shapes us, changes us, makes us ready in some hard to grasp way.

Snow is snow, but snow we have waited for …

Snow we have longed for …

Snow we have watched for … it is what snow was always meant to be. It is more itself because we have changed.

We now have eyes to see.

 

What does Advent look like to you? Click here for the Advent flickr group hosted by our own photographer, Kelli Campbell.

Want to keep up with each post this Advent? Find There is a River on facebook here. You can subscribe or sign up to receive each post by email here.

 

Pin It on Pinterest