It is summer.
Like the season itself, there is no ambiguity in this statement. It is a fact as plain and self-evident as the sun that now rises straight up to the top of the sky or the green tomatoes waiting on their vines.
In one of those rare congruences, the academic calendar and the moon calendar and every kind of calendar we might consult in this house agree that it is now summer. And most convincing of all, the fireflies are back. In the evening, I can see small, dancing pinpricks of light everywhere I turn. They flash and flash, and I imagine a crowd of fairies practicing their nighttime photography.
All month long, I have been tempted to use one particular word. I am tempted by the low humidity and the cool breeze. I am tempted by the first blooms on the rose bushes I planted in March. I am tempted by the orderly lushness of the green garden. Broccoli and carrot tops and kale exploding along their neat rows.
I want to say, but then I do not say: It is perfect.
***
I talk myself down from that word every time. Because tomorrow it will be hot or because the beetles will begin chewing on the rose leaves any day now or that lettuce will surely bolt (and turn bitter) in a week.
But I have confused perfection and permanence. Whoever told me that perfect is only perfect if it lasts?
***
My son and I share a June birthday. He is, has always been, a good and perfect gift. I can remember him at six months old and how I wanted him to just stay. Like that. Forever. I had already seen my daughter, my firstborn, turn from fussy baby to fierce toddler to fiery preschooler, and I had celebrated and mourned each beautiful transition. But I wasn’t sure I had the energy to do it all again. I thought my chill little baby boy was just perfect. Today, he is eight, and that, too, seems just about perfect.
But perfect isn’t permanent.
We celebrated our birthday with a canoe ride down the Brandywine River. The Brandywine River is as sweet and magical as it sounds. We paddled, we drifted, we observed the round stones of the riverbed through a few shallow feet of clear water, and I watched the back of my little boy’s head. From where I sat at the rear of the boat, I could hear him whispering over and over, “This is amazing. This is just great.”
This is perfect, I wanted to say. But I didn’t.
***
***
I used to think that earth was the place of imperfection and heaven the place of perfection. I used to think that this life was imperfect and death was the door toward perfect. I used to think that this world was change and impermanence and that other world? That’s where everything stays the same, forever.
But I no longer think it is quite so neat. I no longer believe the lines are so thickly drawn. And this is good news.
Today, I think that the kingdom of heaven Jesus spoke of so powerfully is more like a river. And that river is breaking out in deserts all over this place. And in so many corners of my shifting, changing life.
And I am determined. When perfect bubbles up, I will no longer avert my eyes. I will no longer bury it in a flurry of doubt and pessimism (it won’t last, it isn’t real, nothing is ever perfect).
Instead, I will dive in. I will say, this river is leading me home.
Perfect words!! I love the permission to receive!
Xo
And I love that you used the word “receive,” Tracy. That word has been knocking around in my head all week, but I hadn’t connected it with what I wrote today. Sometimes we really do need someone else to help us connect the dots! Thank you.
Am I always your first commenter?? Is that getting a little weird for you? Like I’m sitting around waiting for you to share your posts so I can pounce on them … ? Well, I hope it’s not weird. Because your words turn things in me that need to move. They stir me in the best ways. And your tone of honest discovery gives me space for all the sourness of my stagnant places to sweeten.
So much I have only glimpsed in this post, Christie. Thank you for saying it so lucidly.
Love, your obviously-adoring-number-one-fan 😉 {NOT STALKER … I promise}
Kelli, I love it. 🙂 It’s a coveted position. Don’t we all hit “publish” desperate to feel our story connect with someone? And I love that you are that someone for me. Thank you, friend.
Prefect just perfect.
I LOVE your ways of communicating. A new perspective on the hard of life. Perhaps perfect is a faith word.
Oh, yes, Sue, that’s it! “Perfect” is definitely a faith word for me.
Love it! Your words (both those spoken in person last weekend and the ones above) are inspiring and thought-provoking. And it means much more after getting to spend time with you and the sweet little ones.
Oh, April, I’m so glad. Love, love, love seeing your face and reading your words in this space. Thank you.
It makes my heart happy reading this, knowing you are in this place that makes your heart sing, not just physically but in the most important parts of life. Such a lovely rendering, like taking a slow paddle on a quiet sunny afternoon.
Yes, I have been given a new song, and I’m grateful. Grateful for you, too, Shelly.
Christie, this is so lovely. I had a similar experience last night — an “ah, perfect” moment, eating outside with my family in the lovely evening air, and I drowned it out with “what will happen to ruin it?” I think the word “perfect” has been a hard one for me because of my walk through perfectionism, but those seem two totally different things, as you’ve caused me to see here. Because whereas perfectionISM seems about trying to manufacture perfection, recognizing perfection seems about appreciating all the moments where heaven does come/does touch earth. Thank you, friend.
Ashley, I’m so glad you brought up the “ism.” I wanted to address that – it felt related and was on my mind as a I wrote – but I didn’t want to over-complicate a single blog post. 😉 But, I love how you put it: manufactured perfection vs the meeting of heaven and earth. I’m going to remember that!
So beautiful! Such a poignant reminder of the gifts God gives to point us to his perfection. And happy birthday to both of you!
“His perfection” – yes! Thank you, Stephanie. By the way, I was doing some browsing at your place today. Such a beautiful website!
There is a city whose streams… and so on, and so forth.
This is nice. Really, really, nice. You captured it.
Yes, Seth, apparently all my stories lead back to Psalm 46:4. I can’t escape it. And wouldn’t want to.
This is one of the best things you’ve ever written, Christie. Just beautiful.
I love you, Pam!
I’m learning to live in those perfect moments too, instead of wondering what calamity will come my way when they end. I love Tracy’s comment above about receiving. It’s about living with open hands isn’t it?
Reading your work always makes me feel more connected to myself, seeing my home state and so many memories of my childhood through your eyes. Paddling on the Brandywine? Yes, magic:)
I’m so glad to hear it, Kimberly. I think this little corner of PA is a special place. I’m glad my own kids (wherever they end up) will come from here.
Well here it it — right here: heaven on earth. These words, this thinking. Yes, indeed. Thank you!!
Thank you, Diana. I know we pray these words together: Thy kingdom come, thy will be done, on earth as it is in heaven.
This blessed me today and ministered to my heart. Thank you, Christie.
Thank you, Devi. Your words bless me in return.
I don’t remember what the word is exactly, but the word “perfect” in the Bible (at least in the Greek, but perhaps also the Hebrew) simply means “complete” such as in James 1:4. Using parallelism (two comparable words in the same sentence) is a culturally Jewish linguistic pattern, likewise repetition to express emphasis (exponential, not additive) is part of Jewish/ Hebraic idiom. This is encouraging to me because to be complete is having all that we need and it is another reminder of G-d’s provision–even in the small things, the simply joys of life. I am grateful for your reminder that perfect things are here on earth. While they may not be enduring, it cheers the heart to think about what we have here and remember that in heaven the perfection will last forever. 🙂
Jacquie, I love knowing this! “Complete.” What a beautiful word.
Beautiful Christie. We believe that daily bread is for today, but thy kingdom come is in our minds to be answered an eternity away. I think you have it right – – – His kingdom breaks in upon us and manifests his kingdom’s perfection. I was away for vacation and didn’t read many blogs but now am back and am glad this was here.
Thank you, Dan! I hope you enjoyed a taste of perfect while on vacation.
Thank you Christie. I did enjoy a taste of the perfect.
There’s that river again.