I sometimes wonder why God gave me boys.
Recently, my oldest son had to wear a team sports jersey for “spirit day” at his elementary school. I’m sure whoever came up with this idea imagined it to be fairly inclusive. Who doesn’t have at least one shirt for some kind of team playing just any kind of sport?
Well, our family, actually.
Jonathan and I would rather watch Masterpiece Mystery on PBS than college football, so if we raise a sports fan it will be despite ourselves.
The more children I have, and the bigger and more “boyish” my boys become, the more helpless and inadequate I feel as a mother. You might expect it to work the other way. Don’t I have years of experience tucked under my belt? This is true. However, if you look closely you’ll find years of doubt, years of second-guesses for every parenting decision I’ve made, and many spectacular failures. Nine years after becoming a mother, I am less confident than ever.
I’ve decided this is a good thing. It is good because I am praying like never before. I am praying daily and in desperate bursts. I am praying spontaneously, and I am praying systematically, bowing my head over scribbled prayer cards.
Lord, hear my prayers.
I’m praying, yes, but I’ve been struggling to pray for these boys. Who are they made to be? Who do I hope they will be?
I think a lot of mothers pray for “leaders.” They pray their sons grow up to be leaders in their families, in their churches, in their communities.
I try praying this, and the word leader feels like a pebble in my mouth. Whose word is this, anyway? Where did it come from?
Is this the right word for the boy who prefers the edge of the crowd to its center? The gentle boy who loves his baby sister so much he’ll spend thirty minutes trying to make her laugh? The compassionate boy with the quiet voice who would rather play alone at recess than roughhouse with the other six-year-olds?
I try out the word servant-leader. I hear a lot about that one, too. But there’s the pebble again, and I ask myself, “What’s wrong with just servant?”
In my mind, I see Jesus. He is kneeling in the dust of the floor washing feet. I may be uncomfortable with what counts as masculine in our culture, but even I find it difficult to pray this kneeling-in-the-dirt way of life for my boys.
But my son is teaching me how to pray for him.
Here he is beside me. We are bathing his baby sister. I watch as he takes the washcloth and leans across the edge of the tub. Slowly and carefully, he wipes between each little toe.
Lord, hear my prayers.
Well said, I too strugge with the same prayer, but it’s so true, each of your children will tell you how to pray for them.
Yes, I’ve been learning just how important observing and listening are for the praying life.
Beautiful. God help us mothers! I tell you, it’s not for the faint at heart.
So true, Valarie! Greatful for your presence here – as always.
Such a sweet post – I choked up at the end. I have a 6, 4 and 1 year old and am starting to realize that those incredibly demanding early years might just be the easy ones! I will remember your wisdom and encouragement – thank you for sharing.
Yes, Esther, I’m discovering the same thing – and it has me humbled, that’s for sure!
I know some moms who pray their sons would be obedient but that has also felt like a pebble…I’m interested to know what you do end up praying. I usually pray that he would grow up strong and healthy, kind and loving to friends and enemies, alike. That he would love Jesus and know Jesus’ love for him.
Yes, Lina, the word “obedience” often feels like a pebble to me, too, even though I know God calls children to obedience. Mostly I pray that my children would be like trees planted by water, bearing their fruit in season with leaves that never wither. I also pray a lot for wisdom. Wisdom for me as their mom. Wisdom for them as they grow.
With Jon being such a caring person, I think they’ve got a great male role model in their life. But I think the most important things are learning compassion and to be sympathetic. If you raise boys who respect girls, they don’t have to be leaders to say, “dude, cut that out, she could be my sister” to friends doing any number of awful things. I think humility and servitude are awful big words for little people to live up to. But that other people have feelings too is such a good lesson to learn, and is the basis of true love.
Well said, Caitlin! How different would the world be if we could all know what it was like to walk a mile in another’s shoes? That’s one reason I love books so much. Seeing the world through the eyes of so many different characters breeds compassion (in my view!). 🙂
I got testy eyed at the end of this post too. Sweet sweet boy. Thanks for this post. I agree it feels very hard in the newborn stage but I afraid it gets harder as our kids grow older. Pray pray praying Gods Grace in our parenting of these little ones hes given to us